Pennsylvania to shut down SEPTA and give everyone a 2026 Toyota Corolla

In a rare and inspiring moment of bipartisanship, Governor Josh Shapiro and Republican leaders in the Pennsylvania State Senate have reached a groundbreaking solution to SEPTA’s ongoing funding crisis: shut it down and give every daily rider a 2026 Toyota Corolla.

“After weeks of heated negotiations we have come to the conclusion that we can’t come to a conclusion.” Governor Shapiro announced at a jubilant press conference. “So we decided to think outside the box. 

SEPTA’s 2026 budget had requested $2.6 billion in operating and capital funding. One negotiator — rumored to be the only person in Harrisburg with a working calculator — did the math and found that $2.6 billion divided by SEPTA’s 380,000 daily riders equaled roughly $6,800 per person.

“That’s not a bus pass — that’s a new car” said a negotiator, who happens to be a Toyota dealer. We’re not just solving public transit. We’re solving lifestyle mobility.”

While there is some disagreement about who first proposed the Corolla solution, Shapiro insists the idea was his. “I said, ‘What’s the cheapest American-made car?’ Someone said Toyota Corolla. I said, ‘Perfect.’”

The Corolla is manufactured in Mississippi, which met the Senate’s requirement that it be “Made in America, or close enough to avoid angry letters.”

A quick Google search revealed an average monthly lease of $300 — significantly less than SEPTA’s per-rider cost. “We’ll spend $3,600 a year per person, and use the remaining $3,200 to establish a self-insurance fund for dents, dings, and incidents involving rogue scooters,” a senior budget aide explained.

Critics warn that replacing public transit with over 300,000 additional cars could result in “mild congestion” and “complete urban collapse,” but Shapiro dismissed the criticism. “We already have gridlock in Harrisburg. Now everyone can enjoy that experience, statewide.”

Environmental Response

The Sierra Club of Pennsylvania released a statement calling the plan “a dystopian fever dream disguised as a lease agreement.” A representative added, “It’s like solving a methane leak by handing everyone their own cow.”

Governor Shapiro responded by unveiling the plan’s green offset: “Every Corolla comes with a complimentary tree seedling in the glove box. Plant it. Water it. Name it Josh.”

Urban Planners Sound the Alarm

Urban planning experts reacted with alarm. “This is an absolute disaster for walkability, congestion, and emissions,” said Dr. Lena Montrose of the Philadelphia Center for Transit Justice. “On the plus side, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for every rowhouse block to become a used car lot.”

Uber Reacts

Meanwhile, Uber issued a cautiously optimistic statement. “We welcome 380,000 new potential gig drivers and the total destruction of our last public transit competitor,” a spokesperson said. “Also, we’d like to remind all new Corolla owners to download our app and ignore the warning about independent contractor status.”

SEPTA’s Counterproposal

SEPTA officials expressed confusion and disappointment. “We thought we were negotiating for a modest funding increase. Turns out we were negotiating our extinction,” said one spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous. “That’s a tough day at the office.”

In a last-ditch effort to remain relevant, SEPTA has floated a bold counterproposal: converting Regional Rail lines into a high-speed go-kart league, with limited service on weekends and absolutely no published schedule.

“We believe this keeps the spirit of SEPTA alive,” the spokesperson added. “It’s loud, unpredictable, and may or may not arrive when you need it.”

Wally Nunn is the former Chairman of Delaware County Council.