Beth Ann Rosica: Motherhood — the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat

When I was pregnant with my first child at the ripe old age of 39, many experienced mothers gave me all sorts of advice, ranging from sleep patterns to breastfeeding to balancing work and motherhood. Yet, eighteen years later, one piece of information still rings the most true.

When your kids are happy, you are happy.

A colleague with teenagers shared this gem with me; however, at the time, I was appalled by the statement. At 39, I was an established professional with a successful career. I had traveled around the country and parts of the world for both work and leisure. My life was full, and my husband and I enjoyed the life of DINKS — double income, no kids.

While we were excited about welcoming our first child and expected some changes, I could not conceive of a life where my own happiness would be contingent on my child’s.

Boy, was I wrong!

I learned this very early when my colicky son only slept for short periods of time. As a person accustomed to sleeping eight hours a night, I quickly became despondent and short tempered. How could an eight pound baby wreak such havoc in my life?

And then, he started smiling and laughing, and just like that, his joy was my joy. Suddenly, negotiating the big contract at work was no longer such a big deal.

When I gave birth to my second child at 41, the situation intensified. Any mom with more than one child will tell you going from one to two is more than double the work. I remember feeling incredibly incompetent and couldn’t figure out potty training my own kids, despite holding a Ph.D. in Education. Motherhood is an unbelievably humbling experience.

When they could finally use the bathroom on their own and buckle their own seat belts, I ran a victory lap, feeling like I accomplished something monumental. They were good, so I was good.

While I continued to work, albeit less hours, and my career was still incredibly important to me, the issues that stressed me out the most were those related to my kids. Usually, I could solve problems at work, but often, I couldn’t do the same for my kids. Their agony was my agony.

Even now, or maybe more so as teenagers, when they are happy, I am happy. 

I know I am not alone in this feeling. When I talk to other moms at sporting events, we are all nervous and hoping our kids meet their own expectations. We feel their disappointment as strongly, if not more so, than our own.

This phenomenon seems to be related more to moms than dads — and that is not to say that fathers don’t love and care equally for their children, because of course, they do. We need strong dads as much as we need great moms, and each provides different aspects of parenting.

Women are unique both emotionally and biologically. Often, moms provide more emotional support, especially when children are young. This may be why we feel their pain and joy so intensely. It may also be related to the biological attachment during pregnancy.

Biologically, men and women are different in both their physical attributes and their chromosomes. Women are the ones who deal with a monthly menstrual cycle which is often unpleasant and uncomfortable. We bear the brunt and wonder of being the only humans on the planet who can get pregnant, grow life in our own body, give birth, and breastfeed. It has been this way since the beginning of time.

Mothers have the first connection with their baby. We suspect and confirm pregnancy and experience the changes in our body. Moms are responsible to care for their child nine months before birth. What we eat and drink impacts the growing baby. As the baby gets larger, so do we. Our activities are curtailed and our life starts to change long before the baby arrives.

Sometimes these changes are welcome and exciting, and other times, they are a burden and challenging. Even before the baby is born, women experience the thrill and agony of motherhood.

Therefore, women should be honored and revered for their uniqueness — which is why it is so offensive when men claim to be women.

I am not talking about or concerned with men wearing dresses or makeup or changing their names. I do not care what grown men wear or how they act as long as it does not infringe on my rights as a woman.

What I do care about is men taking away opportunities or privacy from me and other women. Pretending that men can be women is not only biologically impossible, it is nonsensical. And it hurts actual women.

As the literal bearers of life, women deserve privacy in restrooms and locker rooms, free from the sight of random penises. Female athletes deserve a level playing field free from competing against men.

Until recently, this was not too much to ask.

Transwomen are not women, no matter what people — including our Governor — say. When they deal with a monthly period and the realities of pregnancy and breastfeeding, we can revisit the conversation; but until then, they are not women.

On this Mother’s Day, let’s remember the great sacrifices that women make every day to give life and to nurture those lives well into adulthood. 

Women, especially those who are mothers, deserve to be honored and celebrated. We do not deserve to be diminished or forced to share sacred places or give up opportunities. 

The best celebration of Mother’s Day is a recognition that only women can become mothers and any other assertions only disparage and dishonor our emotional and biological uniqueness.

Today, I wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms who experience the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat on a regular basis. Here’s hoping today is a victory!

Beth Ann Rosica resides in West Chester, has a Ph.D. in Education, and has dedicated her career to advocating on behalf of at-risk children and families. She covers education issues for Broad + Liberty. Contact her at barosica@broadandliberty.com.