Unless you’ve been living under a rock that sits at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, you’ve surely noticed that Donald Trump is in some legal trouble as of late.

It’s a bit hard to follow, but the best we can deduce is that he’s charged with paying porn stars to overthrow the government. That’s a very scary thought, and he should be held accountable for his naughty ambitions. There’s also some stuff about classified documents. That part isn’t so concerning unless those documents include my browsing history.

In the event that he is sentenced to jail, it would make perfect sense for Philadelphia, as a sanctuary city, to accept Trump as an asylum seeker. Trump’s trump card, so to speak, is to take Philly up on its commitment to housing victims of political persecution. I’m not a law-talking guy, but this appears to be a bulletproof case for the former president.

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Philly has graciously taken in many immigrants of all stripes, but there’s precious little mention of us taking any orange people in. The last time we welcomed a large, orange mischief-maker into the good graces of our city, his name was Gritty. I’d say that worked out well for everyone, except the Flyers head coaches, perhaps.

Now, you may be reading this and thinking, “Is this guy crazy? Philly hates Trump; there is no way our elected officials would want to offer him asylum.” I’m not so sure about that. Let’s play a game: who was former mayoral candidate Helen Gym referring to a few years ago when she said the following?: 

“______ is fairly appalling, pretty insurrectionary for a mascot, and I don’t think there’s any question that that’s our kind of symbol.”  

The answer is Gritty, but, I mean, come on.  

“Fairly Appalling”? 

“Pretty Insurrectionary”? 

“A Mascot”?  

If uber-progressive Helen Gym is fond of large, appalling insurrectionists, surely Trump must be the apple of her eye. How many others who sit in or around the corridors of power share her sentiment?  

Justice for orange people aside, it’s not like we couldn’t put this guy to work. Trump is a natural fit for the viper’s pit of discourse known as “94.1 WIP.” Forget Musk v. Zuckerberg, how about a daily battle royale between Howard Eskin and Trump? Both of whom are old, trash-talking Titans. I can see it now: 

ESKIN: Listen, genius, if you can’t see that James Harden is holding the Sixers back, you must have brain worms crawling around that bird’s nest you call a hairdo. Nice Rolex, though.

TRUMP: Can you believe the beard on this Eskin guy? He looks like he’s homeless. James Harden has a much classier and much cleaner beard than HOMELESS HOWARD. The only thing dirtier than that beard is his fur coat. Many people are saying they’ve seen raccoons in trash bins with cleaner fur than those CHEAP coats he owns. Lots of people saying this. Many such cases.

ESKIN: What a dope! your takes are about as accurate as Benamin (no “j”) Simmons’ jump shot. You should pick Sam Hinkie as your running mate since you’re both experts at running organizations into the ground, moron.

The other upshot here is that he could be housed in the now-empty Roundhouse. This is a win-win. Trump lovers rejoice in their leader being granted asylum and housed in a building fit for a Kingpin, and Trump haters take solace in the fact he’s spending his days… in a building fit for a Kingpin.

Or, instead of the Roundhouse, how about keeping him at Eastern State Penitentiary? Every Halloween, we pretend there are ghosts or zombies or some other spooks haunting the halls of the abandoned prison. Why not host something that’s actually real and scary, like President Trump? Also, you know what other notorious and powerful criminal used to spend time at the old ESP? Al Capone. This makes too much sense. 

The legal cases against Trump are damning, for sure. But the legal case that he could be granted asylum in Philadelphia, and housed in Eastern State Penitentiary, is growing stronger by the day. Maybe “bad things happen in Philadelphia” after all.

Matt McGarity’s sister is an immigration attorney, he’s pretty sure.